Bent
by Lady Cailin
Summary: Songfic. Zelgadis/Amelia. Zelgadis is haunted by dreams and the image in the mirror


Bent: A Songfic  
by Lady Cailin  
  
  
  
  
  
The song for this song fic, Bent is copyright Matchbox Twenty. Slayers and related characters are copyright their respective owners. No infringement is intended and this story is not meant to be reproduced for profit so there isn't really any need to sue me is there?  
* * * * * * * * * *  
  
  
  
Zelgadis swung the sword, shifting the slight weight of the blade in his hand to bring it down hard on the log before him. Anger surged through his veins and he swung again, watching the chips of wood fly. And again, and again. Over and over until his arms felt loose and numb and only the anger and desperation kept him going. Why?  
  
"I want to be strong."  
  
Why was it never good enough? He closed his eyes, seeing again the mocking smile on his grandfather's face as he attempted to show off his new knowledge of shamanism. He'd mastered the Ra Tilt at only twelve. . .it wasn't good enough. . .never enough. Why?  
  
"I want to be strong. . ."  
  
Why can't I be the strongest? Just once, stronger than grandfather, stronger than everyone. . . The laughter of the other boys in town when he lost that sword fight filled his ears and he forced his muscles to move, to draw the sword over his head again.  
  
Go home and cry to your priest . . .  
  
"Strong. . ."  
  
He brought it down hard, the weight crashing into the wood and sending chunks flying. Breathing hard, he stared at the log, which still refused to split under the strength of his blow. He growled low in his throat and gritted his teeth. Damn it, he would be strong!  
  
"STRONG!"  
  
Then it came, the sound. A sound not unlike the jingling of bells, only this sound had a hollow, dull ring to it that never ceased to send a tremor of panic through his body.   
  
The Priest was coming.  
  
~ ~ If I fall along the way ~ ~  
~ ~ Pick me up and dust me off ~ ~  
  
Zelgadis woke abruptly, his breathing labored and his body drenched in sweat. For a moment he was disoriented, his eyes unfocused as he stared out into the night. Camp. He was traveling with Lina and the others. This was their camp, not Rezo's mansion. He was safe. . . safe.  
  
The dream again. Always that dream. . .  
  
He threw back the covers of his bed roll, his breath still shaky as he rose and headed blindly into the woods.  
  
~ ~ If I get to tired to make it ~ ~  
~ ~ Be my breath so I can walk ~ ~  
  
He stopped at the edge of the small pond where they had all taken time to bath that evening and nearly collapsed onto a large rock that sat by the pool's edge. He cradled his head in his hands, trying to get control of the tremors running through his body. It was alright. Just a dream. Rezo had died long ago, and he was sure to find his cure. . .someday. . . That was when he saw the image, revealed by the soft rays of moonlight that drifted through the trees.  
  
His reflection.   
  
~ ~ If I need some other love then ~ ~  
~ ~ Give me more than I can stand ~ ~  
  
  
Would he really. . .would he really ever see his own face again? He looked down at his fist, the blue stone clenched tightly against the emotions raging through his body. This. . .damn. . .body, his skin, his face. It was all an ever present reminder that it wasn't just a dream. He wasn't safe from the monsters in his dreams.  
  
He was the monster now.  
  
And it was becoming more and more doubtful that he would ever see anything except that monster in the mirror again. Nothing but a monster, for the rest of his life. How many times? How many ruins and libraries had he torn apart in his search for a cure? How many countries had he visited? He'd seen half the world in the faint hope to one day see himself in a reflection again. And every time he failed he had this thought.  
  
This horrible thought.  
  
If. . .  
  
What if. . .he never found his cure?  
  
~ ~ When my smile gets old and faded ~ ~  
~ ~ Wait around I'll smile again ~ ~  
  
Without a word he fell to his knees, something knotting up in his chest as he let out a low cry, his voice breaking as the world became clouded with the tears in his eyes. Why? Why? WHY?   
  
He ground the granite knuckles of his fist into the soft sandy earth by the pond, a sob wrenching from his chest. Why couldn't he just see his face, just once see himself again instead of this. . .this thing.   
  
~ ~ Shouldn't be so complicated ~ ~  
~ ~ Just hold me and then ~ ~  
~ ~ Just hold me again ~ ~  
  
He didn't notice anyone there until the arms wrapped around him from behind, holding on to him in a near desperate clutch. And then it didn't matter who it was, because he felt more in that embrace, more compassion and understanding than he had felt since his parents had died and his childhood had ended. Since he had met the Red Priest. Since he could remember.  
  
He cried all the harder, arching his back and emitting an anguished howl into the night sky. It was a cry, a cry of desperation to anyone who would listen. Please, he begged silently. Please Gods I just want to be human again. Please. . .  
  
Please. . .  
  
He felt the embrace tighten around him as he collapsed again, his arms weak pillars of support to keep him from falling in the dirt as he stared down in blind confusion at the ground. He closed his eyes, punching a fist into the earth.  
  
Please. . .  
  
~ ~ Can you help me I'm bent ~ ~  
~ ~ I'm so scared that I'll never ~ ~  
~ ~ get put back together ~ ~  
~ ~ Keep breaking me in ~ ~  
~ ~ and this is how we will live ~ ~  
~ ~ with you and me ~ ~  
~ ~ bent ~ ~  
  
Zelgadis opened his eyes after a long time, his breathing returning to normal as the salty tears dried on his face. He blinked as the arms around his waist slowly loosened their grip and withdrew, the comforting warmth of the body pressed to his back retreating. He turned, sitting to stare at the young woman silently, words failing him, thoughts failing him.   
  
~ ~ And if I couldn't sleep could you sleep? ~ ~  
~ ~ Could you paint me better off? ~ ~  
  
Amelia smiled shakily, sitting back on her feet with a deep calming breath to steady her. Zelgadis just sat there, looking almost as lost as when she had first found him there by the pond, crying out to the night.  
  
"I- I'm not a very heavy sleeper." She attempted another smile "Miss Lina tosses so much that it can sometimes be dangerous to sleep too heavily. So I heard you get up and I just-" She faltered for a moment under his intense stare. She had known when she found him that she shouldn't interfere. Mr. Zelgadis liked his space, especially with personal matters. It was only. . .  
  
~ ~ Could you sympathize with my needs? ~ ~  
~ ~ I know you think I need a lot ~ ~  
  
She'd seen him there, looking so broken and lost and she's just wanted. . . She'd just wanted to take all the pain away. She took another deep breath before she spoke again. He just continued to stare at her in that expressionless silence. He would probably never talk to her again after she had so thoroughly invaded his privacy.   
  
"I was going to go back to sleep, but when I heard you call out I thought something might be wrong-" I'm babbling. Oh god he's going to hate me. "-But I can see that everything is fine so I'll just-" She started to get up when his hand shot out. She gasped, her blood pumping madly through her veins as the warmly rough hand curled around her wrist.  
  
~ ~ I started out clean but I'm jaded ~ ~  
~ ~ Just phonin' it in ~ ~  
~ ~ Just brakin' the skin ~ ~  
  
Zelgadis just stared at his stony hand on her wrist for a moment, almost as shocked as she was that he had reached out to stop her. He hadn't planned on doing so, it was probably the best thing if they were to avoid extreme embarrassment the next morning but. . .  
  
He didn't want to be alone.  
  
He glanced up into her large blue eyes, a slight confusion and hesitation marring her young face.   
  
Amelia.  
  
The arms that comforted him.  
  
Amelia  
  
The small broken cry at his back for his suffering.  
  
Amelia  
  
That touch that reached into the anguish and protected him from the pain without words.   
  
He pulled her back down to his level, reaching out his other hand to wipe away the remnants of the tears that had raced down her cheeks. She blinked, touching her face as if just having noticed them herself. Without a word he pulled her into his lap, rapping his arms around her small frame and burying his head in her shoulder as she gasped again in surprise.   
  
Amelia.  
  
~ ~ Can you help me I'm bent ~ ~  
~ ~ I'm so scared that I'll never ~ ~  
~ ~ get put back together ~ ~  
~ ~ Keep breaking me in ~ ~  
~ ~ and this is how we will live ~ ~  
~ ~ with you and me ~ ~  
~ ~ bent ~ ~  
  
She hesitated for only a moment before gently rapping her arms around him once more, her body relaxing again as she held him. His hands dug into the material of her tunic as he rocked with her back and forth, holding on to her as if she was the only lifeline keeping him from drowning. His voice held a false strength as he whispered to her, his words fierce.   
  
"Thank you."  
  
~ ~ Start bendin' me ~ ~  
~ ~ It's never enough ~ ~  
~ ~ Til I feel all your pieces ~ ~  
  
After a moment he looked up into her eyes again, refusing to release his desperate grip on her. He looked into her eyes and saw his own reflection. He saw. . .  
  
He saw himself.   
  
~ ~ Start bendin' me ~ ~  
~ ~ Keep bendin' me ~ ~   
~ ~ until ~ ~  
~ ~ I'm ~ ~  
~ ~ completely ~ ~  
~ ~ broken ~ ~   
~ ~ in ~ ~  
  
Without a word he plunged a rough hand into the silky black hair that framed her face and brought his lips forcefully to hers, breathing in her gasp and reveling in the feeling of her arms tightening around him as she moved into the embrace.   
  
An embrace with quiet understanding.  
  
Eyes that saw him.  
  
Amelia. . .  
  
~ ~ Shouldn't be so complicated ~ ~  
~ ~ Just touch me and then ~ ~  
~ ~ Just touch me again ~ ~  
  
He shifted until she was beneath him, never once breaking the contact of the fierce kiss. Her body beneath him, he pressed into her softness, letting out a small rumble of pleasure as she began to make small sounds in the back of her throat. He pulled back, hovering over her in the shadows of the night. The moonlight sculpted her features as she looked up at him with clear blue eyes, her breath coming in short little pants. In that moment, the world seemed to stop moving.  
  
~ ~ Can you help me I'm bent ~ ~  
~ ~ I'm so scared that I'll never ~ ~  
~ ~ get put back together ~ ~  
~ ~ Keep breaking me in ~ ~  
~ ~ and this is how we will live ~ ~  
~ ~ with you and me ~ ~  
~ ~ bendin' ~ ~  
  
She watched as his warm hand reached out again, this time to gently caress her cheek. The wind moved softly through the trees above them and the light shifted to reveal his eyes.  
  
~ ~ without understandin' ~ ~  
~ ~ Hell I'll go there again ~ ~  
  
Zelgadis looked down into her slightly confused eyes, wondering himself why he stopped. He glanced over her swollen lips, lips he had kissed, and the world stopped.   
  
Slowly, he brought his hand to her cheek, gently caressing her red lips with his thumb. She had such soft skin. . .He looked again to his own hand, listening to the wind rustle through the trees above them. She was a princess. . .and he was a monster. . .he'd forgotten. . .forgotten everything. . .the curse. . .the cure. . .everything.  
  
His eyes darted back to meet hers as he felt her move beneath him. She smiled, her eyes slightly sad, but shining up at him in the moonlight none the less.  
  
"It's alright Mr. Zelgadis. I -" Her smile faltered for a moment and she looked down, hiding her eyes beneath a cover of unruly bangs. She took his hand in her own and then dared to meet his eyes again, her voice stronger once more. "You'll come visit me in Sairoon once you find your cure. Right?" She voice broke a bit on the last word, unsure   
  
~ ~ Can you help me I'm bent ~ ~  
~ ~ I'm so scared that I'll never ~ ~  
~ ~ get put back together ~ ~  
~ ~ Your brakin' me in ~ ~  
  
  
"I promise."  
  
~ ~ and this is how we will live ~ ~  
~ ~ with you and me ~ ~  
~ ~ bent ~ ~  
  
  
  
This song fic is actually inspired by a piece of fan art by the AMAZING Julie Diloin which I saw awhile back. I could never really picture Zelgadis crying before I saw that piece. Thanks Julie! This fic started with the mental image of Zelgadis breaking down, but I wasn't really sure why or how until I started plotting it out with Bent by Match Box 20 playing the background. The raw emotion in this song, that kind of desperation in the voice that cries out to be understood and loved, it brought it all together fast, in fact I almost started crying from the combo. 


End file.
